By Ascian Kolya.
Edited By Harith Syafiee
The Thief
What is society but an individual? I’ve been wondering about that phrase after reading a certain old book from this vintage bookstore.
Written by Osamu Dazai, an author who had committed suicide right after he had half-finished his supposed-to-be latest book, Goodbye. His last finished book was No Longer Human, which was written the moment his health and depression deteriorated rapidly as weeks went by. Some people believe that the finished book was made intentionally for his long suicide note since the story plot is strongly accurate to the background past of the author. And Goodbye was meant to be left unfinished to show how his ‘book of life’ was forcefully ‘ended’ with his own ‘hands’. Osamu Dazai, the impediment of a failed human being. The one who believes in God but is far too ashamed of his own existence to be loved by the Highly Divine. In utter despair, I am after realizing again and again of how complicated a human can be, to the state that the mind had to work on its own to protect the creature’s heart.
Humiliated, I am to say that I am a thief. Literally. I had killed and betrayed every human I found by releasing my abnormal behaviour and stealing all things that are considered valuable in the eyes of society, either internally or externally. Whatever the hell I’ve been doing is just for the sake of feeling the idea of enlightenment. And you might be wondering why a thief would be sitting in an old vintage library, reading a classic book while again wondering, what is society but an individual?
Well, let’s say this would probably be my last day in this world.
And for once, I would love to experience the feeling of serenity. No sounds of screaming in agony, no cries, no bodies to be found dying in despair. Just reading a book like every teenager and elders would do during their free time.
And again, for once, I would like to learn about people. Just to know how their hearts work since a thief like me could never be able to use them well. To learn about this knowledge even if it’s just for a day, and alone I am to dwell upon these matters which I knew I would not regret before I successfully consumed myself into the void for eternity. Has it always been society's fault for allowing me to become who I am now? Or has it always been me validating my own nature to find peace in flesh and blood? Oh lord, has it always been my fault for not loving every ounce of my doing yet relentlessly avoiding this fact just because I don’t feel myself? And lord was it wrong of me to kill them just because they are in fact; a society with no brains of mine? Has it always been me envious of them or has it always been me living among those imbeciles who decided to be blind from the truth?
In a matter of time, I said; maybe I am the impediment of a failed human being. And here I am again, leading myself to another numbing pain that’s been vital through my veins, closing the book before it could answer my wonders through another page.
The Man
3.20 a.m, June 13, 2024. A thief came and broke into my apartment while I was just lazily scrolling through my X on my bed. Though I thought it would finally be my moment to be able to catch a bad man just for the sake of self-entertainment, the thief somehow, did something very unexpected.
“What the hell are you doing?’
“I killed your favourite pet fish and stole your rope, sir.”
Flabbergasted I am to hear such stupid diabolical inhumanity from a thief that I just met a few seconds ago. Is he even in the right mind to confess such a clear abstract while calmly standing in front of me as if we live in the same house? While the gun is still hidden behind my back, I stare at him for a long while to process everything that just happened in a very short period of time. It feels like I’m about to be in a horror comedy game.
“Do you feel a little bit of despair when I kill your fish, sir?” the thief proceeded as he tied the rope to the ceiling fan. “This is actually not what I’ve been planning, but either way, it doesn’t make much of a difference.”
If words could invent another synonym for flabbergasted, it would be a lot more hyperbole than it. Nothing could ever describe how confused I am to be able to understand such a peculiar situation. The only thing I was able to react to was just glancing towards my fish terrarium. Indeed, the water became red as flesh flowed outwards through the dead goldfish of mine. The LED lights hanging on both sides of the terrarium glass prominently reflect the blood colour of the surroundings, creating such a surrealist environment in my dark living room. Albeit feeling deeply empathetic towards my only fish, it somehow became one of the most beautiful deaths I've ever witnessed. Feels like modern art. “For me to ruin something that is valuable to your life, you must be wondering why humans can be so cruel to your existence.” After taking the chair and leading it towards a quiet-looking ‘hanging’ rope, the thief slowly began to pause his steps and face his body towards me. In that moderate darkness with only the light of the half moon and the LED light subtly firing the whole surroundings, I saw his skinny hands pointing the knife two meters away from me, without any single sign of trembling, just too cold and too blunt to be watched. Yet for some reason, I don’t feel like he would be there to murder a human. It could still be possible because killing a fish is already proof of his wicked abnormality.
“Respectfully, Mr. Thief, what on earth is going on inside your head?”
Life can be so confusing sometimes. A man that I see, who probably lives in a completely different world than mine, symbolizes the complicity of a human being. Twas a quiet night with nothing to be afraid of when a stranger broke into your house. That’s strange. To not be afraid when someone unknown is trying to hurt you but to be afraid to think and delusion of an unknown will one day come to harm you. Or is he actually not one of the unknown?
“Since I’m about to die today, I guess it won't be bad to tell you my idea.
I’ve been planning to show God how weary I am.
I wanted to tell him how I was never given a test from Him but rather a product that is meant to be loathed by society. From the day I was born, when I was taught to repress my own heart just to be loved by a mere human being, to the day I decided to break my cage and free myself to be able to eliminate the idealistic dream of the world. Mother was the first person I’ve killed because she’s the one who started all of this, and for sure heaven was never meant for me since the very beginning of me stabbing her lungs out with such a raging heart. Then there goes me murdering every one of them while stealing the things that they have been keeping for their entire life, all just to achieve this satisfaction of being against the norms. More and more I realized that I loathed this place and was disgusted by their narrow-minded decency, where day by day a human would change its actions just to be seen as morally right in the eyes of majorities. And here I am, getting deceived for I am slightly indifferent, for my values did not meet the standard of the recent world.
I wanted Him to notice my presence, hence again, I broke into someone’s house and killed another man. This is more than enough to show that I am here, so I could at least be placed in between the afterlife once the rope ends me.
For once, humiliated again, I am to say; I felt alone. It feels like despite all those atrocities that happen to me, I am a complete nobody but a thief. I thought God had forgotten about me among the billions He has created. Maybe for Him to be able to notice my presence would at least soothe me, although I knew He would definitely despise me after killing your goldfish. But what’s there to be left to weep when you have lived all your life in a never-ending suffering?”
For a while, albeit seeing him as a bad man just as how everyone would perceive, I finally saw him as a human. A glass, fragile human. “But why my fish? An animal doesn’t contribute to society's standard, so why would you kill it?”
“Well, let’s just say I wanted to hear the last man cry over something they love through their soul. At least I get to hear someone sobbing over God's creation instead of a man-made one for the very final time of my life. And I’m sure the society will realize their own stupid norms once they learn about your last page of the story.”
“And in reality, you use society as another excuse to impose what you want to condemn.”
Light flickers from the eyes of a thief. In the almost pitch-dark room, the little eyes of mine could see him raising his head gently to create a subtle contact with me whole. Somewhat surprised hearing those words coming from me, he accidentally loses his grip and almost lets the knife fall. “And everyone, in each one of you, including myself, are created as individuals. For sure it is true that we have blindly followed the so-called ideal of ‘society’, but by the end of the day, you yourself choose to become who you are.
For you to think that killing people could ever change the majority’s worldview is by far absurd, not to mention how you thought killing my fish could ever make me think of how doomed the ‘society’ is. The concept of ‘society’ never existed. If it dies, then that’s how it should be. If the people decide to follow the crowds, then that’s how it should be. If they lose their valuable belongings, then that’s how it should be. If your mother dies, that’s how it should be. If you yourself feel indifference and have never been able to experience pure happiness, then that’s how it should be. You perceive yourself as a thief, and I perceive myself as a man living alone in an apartment with a now-dead goldfish. But it was never the society’s fault. We again choose our own roles, our own morals, our own ‘individuals’.
What is society but an individual? I bet that must’ve been something you’ve been wondering all the time, did you?”
~
Another day, another slay. Life still seems to be peaceful likewise, despite what happened yesterday night. The thief somehow just left the place after hearing some kind of stupid lecture from me; probably must've been fed up with me still blabbering a minute before he planned to kill me and proceeded with his suicide. However, this morning, I did hear some recent news about a skinny man hanging himself up on someone’s house’s ceiling. The owner of the house was found dead and dismembered into pieces, each limb scattered around the floor as if the body was used as entertainment for the ‘bad man’. Yet, it is also to be found that some godly amount of money from the owner was transferred and donated to the orphanage house after his death. Strange. But for sure, it must be the doing of a guy that I met yesterday.
Well, I guess that’s just how it should be.
A dead fish, a hanging rope, the red water reflecting its colour from the terrarium, a thief. A society, an individual. A heart, body and soul. Such beauty for a God to allow the human in front of me to witness his own doings. I guess the thief really did manage to catch His attention.
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