But I Miss You

By Affa Adi

I miss you.

I never thought it was possible but I miss you,

I miss telling stories, I miss the way you listen to me, 

The way you don't, the way you hum and ask me more.

I miss you.

I have thought it was possible but I hoped I won't,

I hoped I won't miss the way you look at me,

The way you wake me up and disappear through the door.

I miss you.

I thought it wouldn't be so hard to not to but it is, Hard,

It is hard to not miss the tone you used on me, 

The tender one, the soft one, the harsh one, 

And one that blares through the wall as if I'm not home.

I miss you.

So I stopped looking at the pictures ‘cause I don’t want to see you.

I don’t want to see you only to miss you,

I don’t want to miss you only to not have you,

I don’t want to see you only to get reminded of who’s lost,

In the pictures full of crowds, full of those I don’t long for.

I don’t want to see you.

But I miss you.

So I hold the tears from falling in front of them,

And I laugh and laugh and laugh ‘til I'm sure I'm happy enough to not think,

Happy enough to believe that the tears that do fall aren't the sad kind.

Happy enough to not break, to not spiral,

Into the pit that plunges me down, 

'Cause I don't know how much longer I need, 

To struggle to get out this time,

‘Cause I’m sick of being trapped in this loop,

Of searching how to push myself to continue.

I miss you.

So I mention your name in passing, mention your name to my friends,

I tell them what you did, who were you to me,

Just to prove that I don't miss you anymore.

I miss you.

So I don't bring up your name to those who have no clue, 

That you aren't around when I’m back in my room, 

Just to prove that I don't miss you.

But I miss you.