In The Pursuit of Boundaries, We Lost Community by Roki Lili

Have you ever had a friend who would cancel plans with you just because they just didn't feel like it but they’ll doomscroll on TikTok for hours and call it self-care? Or a friend who would leave you hanging for three days and would simply reply ‘sorry lol fell asleep’? This is a new kind of selfishness that masquerades as healing. It calls everything a boundary and nothing a bridge. How healthy are those boundaries when they are built on the rubbles of others’? 

‘Protecting my peace’ is what they say as they think putting themselves first is some kind of moral high ground. However, they failed to realise that when everyone chooses themselves, no one chooses the other. We think about ourselves too much and too little of others leaving the ones who we claim to love feeling neglected. That is how civilisation collapses. Not with an overdramatic series of events, but rather with a thousand of unopened invitations. 

There's a hot debate that is happening on social media right now which argues that inconvenience is the cost of community and loneliness is the price you pay for a life of convenience. Some may find this ridiculous but I personally think it is true. If you are seeking kinship or a support network, sometimes you are going to be inconvenienced. We are losing the art of doing things for others, solely for their happiness even at our own inconvenience. It’s not being a pushover but rather we should see it from another angle. Inconvenience? No, what a privilege it is to be invited, involved, that someone asked for your help, that they thought of you, that they want to share it with you. 

Personally, I don't think those who are guilty of doing this are bad people. A user on Substack described that people have been handed a set of tools by therapists, self-help authors and very well-meaning Instagram accounts, that were calibrated for one set of problems and are being used for another. These tools were designed for woman who can’t say no to their manipulative partner, who has an abusive father, who needed permission to stop performing endless emotional labour for people who never reciprocated. These women exists and they need those tools. However, we are, oftentimes, not that woman. We don't live in a harsh and extreme condition that forces us to make decisions for the sake of our sanity. We, on the other hand, chose to cancel and stay indoors. Our choice was made out of our own convenience and preference. The fact that we have a choice in the first place, shows that we are not that ‘woman’. 

Ultimately, sometimes, the most life changing, course altering events in your life will be draining. Everything worth having in your life will be draining for you sometimes. We have to take a needle and pop our bubble of comfort as not everything in life has to be comfortable. You shouldn't get to do everything you want all the time and we owe each other a lot. 

“Loneliness kills. It’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.” — Robert Waldinger, psychiatrist, Massachusetts General Hospital. 

In today’s world, we see people complaining that they are lonely, especially those in their late twenties and early thirties. However, they failed to see the connection in their refusal to bear each other’s quirks or enduring slight inconvenience. 

Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager. It shows that people yearn for a strong community, but they are not willing to put in the effort and sacrifice required to be a part of it. That feeling of annoyance is the price we pay for connection and community. It can mean sharing a space when it’s inconvenient, showing up when you’d rather stay home, or hosting when you’re tired. Somewhere along the way, our fear of discomfort turned into hyper-independence-strict boundaries, perfect routines, and no interruptions. But when our boundaries become too rigid, they stop protecting us and start isolating us. They become walls. And we wonder why we feel so lonely. We’re paying for convenience with disconnection.

We traded the messiness of community for the ease of solitude and lost something vital along the way. 

Boundaries shouldn't be isolating. They should create conditions for healthy connections. So, please, show up to your friend’s birthday party, schedule that hang out session with your best friends that you have been procrastinating for months. Be present. You will not regret it.